9. Citizen Khan't

17th Nov 2012 edit - So having watched the full series, I actually really enjoyed it.  Not the greatest sitcom of all time, but once I got over the fact that it wasn't The Thick Of It, I could enjoy it for what it was, an old-fashioned sitcom poking fun at valid stereotypes.  And as I predicted, Dave the Mosque Manager, is the best character!  I'll definitely tune into season 2.

Much has been said and written this week, following the debut of BBC’s newest sitcom, ‘Citizen Khan’, much of it negative.  A lot of strong opinions are forming all over the internet, prominently from British (Pakistani) Muslims, who either enjoyed the show (yes there are lots who did), didn’t enjoy the show and offered constructive criticism, or didn’t enjoy the show and were so offended by it, that they are spewing venom.  Yes every community has its trolls!

BBC's newest sitcom, Citizen Khan

I am a British-born Pakistani Muslim and I did not enjoy this show. It’s not because I found it offensive, but just because it wasn't very funny unfortunately. I was disappointed as this is the first sitcom based on a British-Asian family and its success could lead to more opportunities for British-Asian talent. I am hopeful it well get better. Many sitcoms start off with dubious pilots and go on to great success, the first episode of Friends wasn't great and look how that turned out!

The Mr. Khan character, on which this show is based, started out a few years ago on the ‘Bellamy’s People’ sketch show and subsequently starred in a string of YouTube videos, from delivering alternative Christmas messages to explaining cricket from a Pakistani perspective.  Adil Ray plays the character brilliantly and Mr. Khan IS hilarious, it is easy to see why BBC execs thought a sitcom based around the character would be a success.  Unfortunately, the out-dated stereotypes, lazy script and ham acting, has meant that the show has suffered a mediocre start.  But as I said, I’m hopeful it will get better!

Mr. Khan making his excellent debut in Bellamy's People

The reason for this blog post however, is that I wanted to address the attitudes of the trolls spewing their venom.  The reason they have been so offended, is that they claim this show has insulted Islam.  It pains me to make such an obvious point, but there is a clear difference between mocking Islam and mocking Muslims. As a Muslim I am fully against mocking Islam (or any religious belief for that matter, but that’s a separate debate), but I am for mocking Muslims (or followers of other religious beliefs) in a way that is done well and intelligently.  The best modern example of this is Four Lions, a brilliant movie mocking the views and actions of Muslim terrorists.  This film could have been very offensive, but was done with a great deal of sensitivity and research and hence was well received.

Whilst I don't think Citizen Khan mocked Islam, but Muslims, it just wasn't funny and hence, people found it offensive. (This is a point I’ve been discussing with friends this week, if something is inherently offensive, but you find it subjectively funny, you are likely to let it slide, however, if you don’t find it funny, that is when you can become offended.) Being honest all British-Muslims will confess to knowing a girl like Aliya, who is 'religious' at home but not so 'religious' outside of her home. Young women like her exist, so she is a valid stereotype. Additionally I knew lots of young people (I may or may not have been one), who when younger had to read the Qur'an at home, but when their parents back was turned they start doing something else (e.g. playing video games) and when their parents came back into the room they pretend to pray again, stuff like that happens! It is a valid representation. It is supposed to be a comedy. Where would be the humour in showing a practising well-balanced Muslim family? The irony of course is that unfortunately this show wasn't funny anyway.

I am slightly confused by the over-sensitivity. It was obvious that the show was mocking those particular Muslims and their hypocrisies, not Islam. Hence the character of the Mosque manager ‘Dave’ (my favourite character so far), will be important going forward as he explains ACTUAL Islam, not cultural Islam, just as he does in this episode. At no point was actual Islam mocked, but the way in which some cultures and families treat it is. See the difference?

Islam doesn’t have a history of satire and Muslims don’t take ridicule of our religion lightly.  However, it seems that some Muslims today measure their faith by how angry they get when offended.  There are other means of protest, other than wishing for the producers of the show to ‘rot in hell’!  It is important to stress here that 3.6m watched the pilot episode and just over 200 complaints have been received (to date), so either trolls don’t complain, or this whole thing has been blown out of proportion?

Anyway if you want to see a Muslim sitcom that is actually funny, I suggest you try and catch the Canadian show, 'Little Mosque on the Prairie'.  Peace x

- Tez

8. An Open Letter to the Venkys

For the attention of: Mrs Anuradha Desai and Messrs Balaji and Venkatesh Rao.

It has taken me some weeks to crystallise my thoughts and so I must start this letter by apologising for its tardiness.  Of course this apology is largely symbolic, mainly because you are very unlikely to read this and secondly because if by chance you do, I do sincerely hope it will humble you into make an apology of your own.  Whether you are able to admit or not, YOU do owe an apology to the fans of Blackburn Rovers FC and to the town of Blackburn and all its inhabitants, football fans or not.

 It is difficult to imagine how you could have done a better job of mismanaging Rovers in the way that you have.  In fact there’s something quite impressive in just how bad a job you have done!  I’ve quietly suspected that you may even be closet Burnley fans (I suspect this reference is lost on you), but even a Dingle would have deemed your disastrous tenure a far-fetched fantasy when you took over 20 months ago.

When you bought my beloved club in November 2010, did you know of its proud history and tradition?  That we were a well-run football club, with the best chairmen in the Premier League who you forced out (John Williams, remember him?  He has since been appointed to a senior role at Manchester City, heard of them?) and a club battling against the tide and punching above our weight?  Did you even know that Rovers were a founding member of the football league, a founding member of the Premier League and the only team in the history of English football to win the FA Cup three years in a row?  I would suggest not, especially as has been largely reported that you didn’t even know about relegation!  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  Rovers’ fans don’t believe that we have a God-given right to play in the Premier League, but what we do expect is people in charge of our club having the slightest notion that they know what they are doing and they have a plan, for better or worse… Just what have you brought to the table?  What value have you added to Rovers or English football in general?

I haven’t even mentioned Steve Kean yet!  You promoted Kean, the previous manager’s no. 3 in command and have never really explained why.  His record speaks for itself, 13 wins from 60 odd games is AWFUL, AWFUL, AWFUL!  What hold does he have over you?  Does he have compromising pictures of you in an incestuous love sandwich?  What other reasons can there be for his continuing employment?

Below is a very brief summary of why Steve Kean should be sacked:

·         The unscrupulous way in which he got the job.  All Rovers fans are aware that Kean is a client of Kentaro.  Kentaro were your principal football advisors when you took charge of the club.  It is not a coincidence that after meeting with Kean (with Kentaro in tow), he was given the job a week later.  I’m sure you’re aware of this, but it wouldn’t surprise me if you weren’t, that Sam Allardyce won promotion with his new team, West Ham, and so will be in the Premier League next year, whilst Rovers will not be…  Seems like he’s had the last laugh!

·         His contempt of the fans.  Kean has time and time again shown utter contempt for the fans thought his ludicrous comments over the course of the season.  Why wasn’t he told to shut up?  He was talking up a top-10 finish as late as December this past season, at a point when we were really up to our necks in chicken shit!  He has a smugness to him that emanates after every post-match interview, blaming everything but his own utter incompetence.

·         He was convicted of drink-driving last year and lied in court to try and cover his tracks.

·         The fans hate him.  The mixture of poor results, smug statements and lies have meant that the fans have absolutely turned on him, to the point that it would be kinder to grind him up into feed and give him to your flock of battery-farmed chickens.

·         The YouTube video, which showed him to be the man he really his.  Hugely disrespectful to the man who gave him his job as coach in the first place and making empty smug promises to the fans.

The man is a snake and a fool.  Who else would admit to forfeiting a game?

Another fear for Rovers fans is the apparent financial mismanagement at the club.  There are real fears that you are going to asset-strip the club and hang us out to dry.  Paul Hunt’s letter after the Bolton game aired some real concerns and it is a shame you dismissed someone who seemed like he knew what he was doing, but kept on Steve Kean?  Your decisions make no sense!

There is real anger amongst Rovers fans and yet all is not lost.  You only have to look at the example of Mike Ashley, owner of Newcastle, to see how he turned things around.  Newcastle were relegated two seasons ago (also after prematurely sacking Sam Allardyce!) and the whole of Newcastle turned on Mike Ashley, much in the same way that Blackburn has turned on you.  However, he has managed to turn it around and Newcastle are now doing very well.  There is a difference however, Ashley has always shown a passion for football, he always attends games and is on hand to make decisions himself.

YOU NEED A PRESENCE IN BLACKBURN.  Get off your fat asses and come to Blackburn and take control, if not from a footballing sense, then from a business sense at least!

There is a lot more I wanted to say here, but I didn’t want to burden you with more than you can take.  You’re obviously busy people and I’m hoping that you see fit to read this letter in the 5 minutes a month you spend on dealing with Rovers issues.

Just to summarise:

·         Sack Steve Kean and remove him from the club and also appoint a strong, sensible CEO, based in Blackburn who can make good footballing decisions in your absence.

·         Communicate with the fans.  Take responsibility for the disaster so far, show some humility, apologise and start again.  You say you are in this for the long-term, well please tell us what your plans are?!

·         Invest and do what is necessary to ensure we don’t slide further into obscurity.  If you are not able, then please sell us to someone who is willing to do so.

Blackburn Rovers means so much to me and thousands of others.   Please don’t take your responsibilities lightly.  Football is a means of escapism for so many, especially in these tough economic times, we find solace in our heroes, however, you are making this unnecessarily hard for us.  Thousands have not renewed their season tickets and thousands have refused to purchase the new replica shirts, and will continue to refuse until we have a clear indication of what the plan is for next season.

I am but a humble comedian, yet try as I might, I could never write a joke better than what you are turning my club into.

Regards,

- Tez Ilyas

Stand-up comedian and Blackburn Rovers fan

7. 'There are downsides to being this funny': Why comics hate me for being too hilarious

On a recent flight to New York, I was delighted when a stewardess came over and asked me to tell her a joke. ‘The captain told me to ask you — he told me that he overheard you in the airport lounge and that you are totes funny,’ she explained. You’re probably thinking ‘what a lovely surprise’. But while it was lovely, it wasn’t a surprise. At least, not for me.

'Hilarious guy': But Tez Ilyas says that his humour has been a mixed blessing, with many of his comedy peers becoming resentful, and have closed as many doors as they have opened

Throughout my life, I’ve regularly had people asking for little quips and anecdotes, usually by people I don’t even know. Once, a well-dressed chap bought my train ticket when I was telling jokes behind him in the queue, it was my boss at work and we were covered by company expenses, but the time he saved me was invaluable, while there was another occasion when a charming lady paid my fare as I stepped out of a cab in Paris, yes it was my mum, but whatever innit.
Another time, as I was walking through London’s Portobello Road market, I was tapped on the shoulder and presented with a beautiful bunch of flowers, when I took them, water squirted out of them into my face… clowns! Even bar tenders frequently shoo my credit card away when I try to settle my bill, tap water they tell me is free in their bar.
And whenever I’ve asked what I’ve done to deserve such treatment, the donors of these gifts have always said the same thing: my hilarious jokes and witty banter made their day.


While I’m no Joe Pasquale, I’m witty, charming, spontaneous and so I’m often told, a funny man. I know how lucky I am. But there are downsides to being funny — the main one being that other comics hate me for no other reason than my hilarity.
If you’re a comic reading this [who else would be], I’d hazard that you’ve already formed your own opinion about me — and it won’t be very flattering. For while many doors have been opened (literally) as a result of my humour, just as many have been metaphorically slammed in my face — and usually by my own peers.
I’m not smug and I’m no show-off, yet over the years I’ve been dropped by countless comics who felt threatened if I was merely in the presence of their fans. If their fans dared to actually talk to me, a sudden chill would descend on the room.

Taken: Tez with two of his admirers, they take great pride in hearing other people declare that he's a brilliant comic and always tells him to laugh off bitchy comments from other comics 

And it is not just jealous comics who have frozen me out of their lives. Insecure promoters have also barred me from working at their clubs and agent refuse to sign-me lest I take away the shine from their existing clients. And most poignantly of all, not one friend has ever asked me to be his best man. This has nothing to do with the fact that my best friend has yet to get married… nothing.
You’d think we comics would applaud each other for taking pride in our humour.
I work at mine — I don’t drink or smoke, I watch tonnes of panel shows, even when I don’t feel like it, and very rarely succumb to modesty. Unfortunately comics find nothing more annoying than someone else being the funniest person in a room.
Take last week, out walking the dogs a comic drove past me. I quipped that she must have ate all the pies — bare hilarious – she blatantly blanked me/didn’t see me at all. Yet this is someone who I have work-shopped material with, and who has gigged with me on several occasions. I approached a mutual friend and discreetly enquired if I’d made a faux pas, or a fox paws if you will… I know, I know, I’ll stop. It seems the only crime I’ve committed is not leaving the house with a bag over my head. She doesn’t like me, I discovered, because she views me as a threat. The friend pointed out she is slower, less articulate and a joke thief.
And, according to our mutual friend, she is adamant that I could do her material, ‘were the right circumstances in place’. Yet I’m happy with my material, and have been for the past two years. 
This isn’t the first time such paranoia has gripped the comics around me. When I first started being funny out in the open, one promoter would regularly invite me for drinks after a long hard open-mic gig.
I always accepted his invitation, as during the gig we got along famously. But one evening one of his audience members also joined us. We were all a few drinks into the evening. Then the audience member and I said we both liked one of my jokes that I did.
The promoter laid into the bewildered audience member for being a ‘fan-boy’, then turned on me, calling me unrepeatable names before ridiculing me for my sharp wit and crisp suits. I declined any further invitations.
Therapist Marly Pees, author of self-help guide Totes Obvs Confidence, says that comics have always measured themselves against each other by their wit rather than achievements — and it can make the lives of the few hilarious standout comics very difficult. ‘Many of my clients are amazing comics, yet people are always astounded when I explain they don’t have it easy,’ she says. If you are a funny comic other shit comics think you lead a perfect life — which simply isn’t true.

Hard work: Tez takes pride in his appearance. He watches tonnes of panel shows - even when he doesn't feel like it - he doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke... and rarely does he succumb to modesty

‘They don’t realise you are just as vulnerable as they are. It’s hard when everyone resents you for your humour. Promoters think “what’s the point, he’s too big to play my room” and don’t ask you too. And comics don’t want to hang out with someone funnier than they are.’
I certainly found that out the hard way, particularly on the circuit.
One gig I accepted was blighted by a jealous promoter. It was the height of the Nameless City Comedy Festival and I’d opted to perform my B-materal. They were great jokes, yet accessible; more Keith Chegwin than Peter Kay.
But the promoter pulled me aside after I left the stage (to a rapturous applause, I think they wanted more) and informed me my jokes were making the audience laugh too much, which made life difficult for their favourite acts. I didn’t dare point out that the audience also laughed at their jokes too.
Rather than argue, I did the rest of the festival, performing my C-material, something about butter not being slippery enough for anal sex. It was clear that when you have an insecure promoter, it’s best to let their favourites shine.


With one phenomenally tricky promoter, I eventually managed to carve out a positive working relationship. But a year in, his attitude towards me changed; the deterioration began when he started to put on weight and my set at the time was littered with fat jokes.
One of many fans recommended that I enter the ‘Must be Nominated by Two Promoters New Act of the Year Award’, which meant doors would have opened for me around the south-west. 
All I needed were two personal recommendations to be eligible. As everyone on the circuit knows, I’m totes hilarious, I was fuckin’ dynamite during that period, I was so good, I didn’t think this would be a problem.
But while one promoter nominated me without hesitation, this other promoter, who was also an act, a shit act, but an act, refused to nominate me. When I asked his mate why, he pulled me to one side and explained that this promoter was jealous of me. Standard.
Things between us rapidly deteriorated. Whenever I wrote something new he’d sneer at me in front of other comics and heckle me whilst I was on stage that he was the star, not me.
After another 30 gigs, I told him I’d never work his club again. Privately he begged me to come back, blaming the nasty comments on his hormones. He was in his early 40s and confided he was having problems being funny. But by then I’d had enough.


I find that older comics are the most hostile to funny people — perhaps because they feel their own bloom fading. Because my fans are older than me, after gigs my social circle is that bit older too.
One old fan, Pierre, takes great pride in hearing other people declare that I’m a really funny and always tells me to laugh off bitchy comments from other comics.


I find dinner parties and social gatherings fraught and if I can’t wriggle out of them, then I often tone down my awesome personality so I’m not the centre of attention, which is hard.
I dread the inevitable sarky comments. ‘Here he comes. We’re in the village hall yet Tez is making jokes like he’s at Wembley Arena… Stop skipping!’ was one I recently overheard.
But even downplaying my banter and personality don’t always work.
Take last summer at a funeral I attended. At one point the host, who was mourning the loss of her husband of 50 years, decided she wanted everyone who knew her husband to say something. Everyone suggested I open, as they wanted a strong start to the proceedings.
Another woman, his daughter or something daft, I barely knew her, but she pushed me out of the way, shouting it wasn’t fair on all the other comics if I opened as I would be too hard an act to follow. I was devastated and burst into tears. On my own in the loos one comic privately consoled me — well out of ear-shot of the others.


So now here I am only 29 (on Sunday) and one of a handful of comics welcoming the decline of my humour and superior wit. I can’t wait for the onset of Alzheimer’s that will help me blend into the background, because as we know, you’re at your funniest when you’re young… I think you peak at 23. Perhaps then the comic fraternity will finally stop judging me so harshly on what I say on stage and how I entertain audiences everywhere and instead accept me for who I am… One of them.
Peace.


- Tez

6. What a Year!

Happy New Year to one and all!

Before I speak about my hopes for the New Year, I want to take a chance to sum up what 2011 meant for me.  And WOW what a year 2011 has been eh?

Whatever it meant for you personally, there’s no denying that in terms of global news events, 2011 has been spectacular, in fact the BBC has said it’s been the most momentous year since 1989!  Some of the things - in brief - that caught my attention over the year include (this is by no means an exhaustive list):

• Arab Spring – It’s amazing what a grass-roots movement can actually do eh?  It made our protests earlier in the year look like a bloody picnic.  I hope the people who’ve worked so hard to get change get the Governments they deserve, but I’m not holding my breath!
• Libya – Our Government took us to war in an Arabic country... again. Fortunately it seems that Cameron’s judgement was sound on this issue.  But I will say this, we know nothing of the people who are taking over and we’ve helped put them in power, who’s to say they are going to be any better than Col. Gaddafi?



The only Col. left worth talking about!

• The coverage of the Colonel’s death was horrible in my opinion.  Since when has it been okay to display a battered and bruised dead body on our news screens?  We’d be disgusted if it was British soldiers given similar treatment on Al-Jazeera!  Let’s not forget that less than a year ago, Gaddafi was a friend and key ally in that region.
• Japan Tsunami – This was awful and some of the pictures coming out of Japan were heart-breaking.  One of my friends Dennis was in Japan and he captured this footage.
• Royal Wedding – I missed it, I was in Pakistan… Heard it was nice… She’s pretty Kate, I like her, she’s not Diana pretty or Queen of Jordan hot, but I like her.
• Norway Massacre – Whenever there is a terrorist attack anywhere, unfortunately my first thought isn’t with the victims or their families or survivors… it’s praying that the perpetrator isn’t Muslim… This guy wasn’t - result!  What a fuckin’ nutter though :-(  Such a horrid waste of young life.
• Hackgate – I’ve believed that the tabloid media in this country are an absolute disgrace for several years now.  I despise them and I hope the disgusting revelations that came to light this year will help put an end to their despicable methods and their savage thirst to ruin people’s lives at any cost… Well for profit.  I’ll be watching the results of the Leveson enquiry with interest in the New Year.
• London Riots – A lot has been written about the riots already.  A positive that did come out of the riots was how some communities came together to help each other.  That was nice.  Like the example of a bunch of Sikh youths protecting a Mosque, so the Muslims could offer their prayers in peace.  #touching
• It seems that Muslims got some good press from the riots and let’s not forget that this tragedy almost single-handedly stopped the riots.
• Public Sector Strikes – The Government’s change to the public pension provisions led to all the public sector unions going on strike on 30h November.  With the way this Government is making cuts I wouldn’t be surprised to see more in the near future.  Watch this space…
• Notable Deaths:
• Osama bin Laden – one time American friend and revolutionary, orchestrated terrible things and gave Muslims the world over a bad name… still should have gone on trial, instead of assassination and a suspiciously quick Megatron type burial.

Osama bin Laden before he was killed

• Amy Winehouse – Loved her talent, her album Frank and Back to Black were in my top-10 albums of the noughties.  Such a tragic waste and it’s a shame she didn’t get the help she clearly needed…
• Steve Jobs – A visionary entrepreneur… who also helped give us Pixar… enough said!
• Gary Speed – The suicide of one of one of football’s truly nice guys, shocked the sporting world.  How someone who was managing his national team, with a loving family could take their own life is still a mystery, but it just goes to show, you never know what is going on inside people’s heads.
• Kim Jong Il – or Lil’ Kim as his friends I’m sure refer to him.  Many people of course know him from his Oscar-worthy performance in Team America World Police, but you may not know he was also the leader of North Korea.  He’s succeeded by his son, Kim Jong Un… We can but hope a change of leader brings more stability and peace with their brothers in South Korea.
• Prince Philip – There’s still time…

 I was trying to think of the best film released this year and nothing leaps out.  I mean last year we had Toy Story 3 (no sarcasm) and Inception and I don’t think anything has come close this year, has it?

On a personal note, 2011 has been very eventful.  I’ve gigged nearly 200 times (198 if you’re counting, which I am), some brilliant some not so, some paid, most not, but all the while I feel like I’ve been learning and getting better at this game.  I’ve ended 2011 as I ended 2010 with a string of pretty mediocre gigs, but hey, that’s what happens sometimes, plus December can be a horrible month to gig, when a lot of punters would rather get pissed and chat to their mates (understandably) than engage with the comedy, bah humbug!  But throughout the year, I’ve had some pretty amazing highlights and I’ve summed these up below:

My personal top-5 comedy highlights:

1.    BBC New Comedy Award final – If I called it quits now and decided never to grace the stage again, this will live with me forever, I am so proud of this achievement especially as it came in my first year of doing stand-up and although I didn’t win the whole thing I definitely held my own and felt like I belonged there!

BBC New Comedy Award - Finalist

      unfortunately as this was such a high, the comedown after it was huge and I felt like I was coasting for the next couple of months, which is brings us nicely on to…

2.    Edinburgh Fringe Festival – Now, I’ve already written in depth below about the Fringe and what I got up to etc. so I’ll just say this… DO IT!  From a stand-up perspective, I only realised in late September/early October just how much I learned from being up there, I am such a better comic for the experience and I feel it’s a rite of passage for anyone who’s serious about this game.  Also there are so many amazing acts up there it’s totes inspiring! And a little intimidating if I’m honest.  Speaking of intimidating…

3.    The Comedy Store – I’ve gigged at The Comedy Store, four times this year, once in Manchester at their King Gong and three times in London (one King Gong and two open spots).  The King Gong gig is just frightening and winning it back in January was a huge confidence booster which led to me being invited back to perform on their Thurs night as an open spot amongst the pros.  My first 5 minute open spot in May was the most nerve-wracking gig I’ve ever had, I’ve never been more nervous before a gig or since for that matter and I could feel my leg shaking on stage!  I didn’t really do myself justice in that gig and felt very underwhelmed coming off, however I got a call back and got another chance to impress in September.  I was determined to do my best at this one and I was a lot more relaxed beforehand.  Thankfully it was a stormer, one of the best gigs I’ve ever had and I got some pretty sweet feedback from the owner of the Store, Don.  This got me a further call back for a 10 minute spot on a Saturday night in March 2012!

4.    New Friends – I’ve met some pretty awesome people on the circuit and none more so than my two comedy bff’s, Gary Tro and Kate Lucas, love these two SO HARD (as Gary would say) and working with them this year has been an absolute pleasure, we’ve now put together a sketch group (Chuckle Sandwich), which is basically just us pissing around, so we’ll see what comes of that!  One other notable person is Samantha Hannah, for being an amazing friend, a constant source of amusement and an all round awesome person!  She also keeps me totes grounded.  A host of other comedy chums are worth a mention for their inspiration and mega-lols over the year including: Sean Mahoney, Kwame Asante, Dane Baptiste, Tom Appleton, Darius Davies, Hannah Deasy, Luke Capasso, Rachel Anderson, Michael Kossew, Luisa Omielan, Bec Hill, Rachel Parris, Max Dowler (hate him secretly though), Pete Dillon-Trenchard, MissD and numerous others.  Thanks guys and gals!  And a further thanks to all the promoters who have booked me over the year!

Chuckle Sandwich

5.    Optimism – Performing comedy over the past 18 months has given me so much self-confidence (not that I was particularly lacking on that front) and self-belief that you can do whatever you want, as long as you have enough determination and drive.  Get off your arse and be the person you want to be, do the things you want to do and achieve your dreams, I’ve got a long way to go, but I’m climbed a few rungs up the ladder this year and my goals are even clearer.

Comedy has dominated 2011 for me, but away from the stage, I did get up to other things and so my personal top-3 non-comedy highlights were:

1.    London Marathon – So I ran 26.2 miles one morning in April in London… It was mega hard and I raised £1,500 for St. John’s Ambulance.  Yeah I’m a hero, stop going on about it! #totallycarryoniloveit

2.    Pakistan trip – The very next day after running the marathon, I went to Pakistan for my uncle’s wedding.  The actual highlight of the trip was being in Pakistan when Osama was assassinated*… Not that I had anything to do with it…

*Luke Capasso can tell you more about my involvement in the death of Osama bin Laden.

3.    New York City trip – In July I went to New York for 10 days for my friends Aaron and Molly’s wedding.  I met these two on Camp America in the summer of 2006, they both met each other at camp and they’ve been together since… Awww.  Anyway, Aaron is Australian, Molly American, so with his family and hers and a few Brits there, it was like a United Nations of piss-taking.  Had so much fun and met loads of really friendly people, it totally gave me a fresh perspective on our American cousins.  Plus I heard the best thing ever... ‘So if London is 5 hours ahead of New York time… then why didn’t you warn us on 9/11?’ – Yeah… that!

Molly & Aaron

Finally my one hope for 2012 is a solution to the Israel-Palestine situation, is that too much to ask?  Yes... Er... Okay,what about world peace?  Can't we just get world peace minus Israel-Palestine and then work on that?  No… okay then.  Well can I have a year where people stop obsessing with pointless celebs, garbage pseudo reality-TV and actually watch some awesome shows like Game of Thrones and do stuff with their loved ones, like fishing or some shit?  No again?  Come on… Well… can I please have an agent?  Hello…

Dear Allah please make 2012 a great year for me and my family and friends and give us the strength to work hard and reward us with success that our endeavours will deserve x

- Tez

p.s. As I’m just finishing this, Blackburn Rovers (my team) have just beat Man United 3-2 at Old Trafford!  Now what has been happening at Blackburn has been nothing short of disgraceful!  And I’m not talking about the fans… We’ve been taken over by a bunch of half-wit chicken farmers from Indian (Venkys) who have no clue about football, they weren’t even aware you could get relegated!!!  They put in zero investment and seem intent on asset stripping this proud Lancashire club :-(

They sacked Big Sam, under whom we’d have been a comfortable mid-table team and they installed his number 2 as manager, a Muppet called Steve Kean.  Who’s won 8 games (including today) out of 40!  We’ve taken half of our points this season against Man United, Arsenal and Liverpool, that tells me that Kean can raise his players for the big games, but Blackburn aren’t going to survive by taking points against the top-6, we’re going to survive by beating teams in the bottom-10 of which we have won 1 game! Against Swansea at home…  Today’s result was awesome, yes and credit to Kean and the players who were immense, but we’ve got a LONG way to go to stay up… COYB!  Thank Allah for the Yak… #FeedtheYakandHeWillScore

Steve Kean?

p.p.s. The Olympics are going to be AWESOME!!!

5. Fringe Highlights

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